Published August 30, 2006
Hush. Your wishes aren't true.
Dry tongue, you lie so fearlessly to the
stars so close to bursting, whispering prayers
over pennies. But you've drifted from
the primrose path to the road of war --
Hansel and Hitler start a coin collection in your footsteps,
Columbus mapping courses in your name.
There are millions to be made, and with your
synthetic naivety you craft it cloudless.
With all this shackled to your ankles, the only weight you bear
is blame.
You play on a pity-piano, pressing nerves,
a hundred different keys at your fingertips.
We bring you good will on a platter; lips pursed you
whistle the candle black and
plunge us all into darkness
while you cut the cake.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I loved this, especially
Hush. Your wishes aren't true.
and
Hansel and Hitler start a coin collection in your footsteps,
and
whistle the candle black and
plunge us all into darkness
while you cut the cake.
But, since I think you dislike critiques that only praise,
synthetic naivety you craft it cloudless.
the 'it' is kind of unclear. What's 'it'? I like 'synthetic naivety' though.
You play on a pity-piano, pressing nerves,
a hundred different keys at your fingertips.
We bring you good will on a platter; lips pursed you
I think the flow could be a bit smoother here. Maybe
'You play a pity-piano, our nerves
a hundred keys at your fingertips.
We bring you good will on a platter;
lips pursed you'... etc.
Overall though, very nice. I'm sure there's lots of undercurrents of deeper meaning I'm not quite getting, but I love all your allusions and metaphors etc. The ending makes me think of a cat, self-satisfied and mysterious. Nice work, thanks for posting.
Yes, I am bumping. The shame.